5 Reasons Why The Once-Fun Act of Surfriding Has Officially Gone Sour

Surfing: We’re selling it, you’re buying it… Sorry about that. SW France. Photo: Christie

Everyone has a coach these days. Cunts windmilling their arms around, doing ridiculous warm ups as if they’re about to do actual sport. i). It’s not sport, it’s surfing and ii). YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE THE FUCKING TOUR. Give up. Take the stickers off, chillax, stop trying so hard.

What’s wrong with not knowing what you’re doing wrong? What’s wrong with figuring it all out for yourself? Why does every little shit who can do a bottom turn now need coaching clinics, training camps and a dietician?

Surfing’s grooviness is robust enough to withstand assaults from Hollywood, from fashion houses, heck even from Home and Away, etc, but deconstruct it and dissect it into a series of teachable body positions and train the shit out of it and coach it to death and that’s exactly what its magic will do. Wither. Die.

2. Groups of 15
What’s that all about? Why does everyone want to be a crew? What’s wrong with going hans solo, or at worst, a mellow, low impact twosome? What’s with mob injustice? Whether it be by minibus, or a convoy of 5 cars, it’s all wrong.

It’s like finding a pleasant, picturesque spot on a riverbank for a picnic, then taking a huge dump on the tartan rug before busting out the Scotch eggs. No fun!

3. Boards
There has never been so much choice in surf craft, which sucks. In the 90’s, everyone had a wafer-thin, knife-narrow rockered out banana and had to sit under the lip just to catch a wave. If you ever did, it then took ten minutes to paddle 50 yards back to the lineup. Fab!

Nobody was seen dead on a mal. In terms of practicality, the utilitarian appeal, it sucked, obviously, but it also helped maintain the natural order of the universe. Only surfers who were quite good could actually get a wave.

Now, fuckers have got 4 inch thick Mini Simmons. Shit me! Mals, SUP’s, there’s a whole lotta volume. That means they can catch the wave out the back, and suffering from a distinct lack of manners, catch one every set! Then you watch em poo stink past you/fade you all afternoon. Awesome!

4.Tough Guys
Everyone’s obsessed with being hard these days, aren’t they? Whatever happened to surfers being wusses and other folk, like rugger buggers, steroided bodybuilder flexers, perhaps footie hooligans etc being fierce?
What’s with all the martial arts? ‘Martial’ means war!

What happened to peace, love and simply being far too high to choke hold a foe’s eyeballs out of their sockets? Or even just meek, submissive kooks… Where are they? Now everyone wants to be a ruffian.
I got into a minor disagreement with a teenage boy who kept paddling inside (using a technique as if he were doing those exercises with a broomstick to ward off lovehandles) and he told me he’s a fighter and would love to “kill” me. Kill?!?

I only asked you to not paddle inside on a surfing wave as it was rather a poor show, old chap. Not to be executed, at le Penon of all places!

No, surfing, doesn’t reflect what society as a whole is doing. Society is getting better. People in general, are becoming more tolerant, more accepting, less hateful. Not surfing!

Nobody’s got any humility any more in the shred. Whatever happened to someone making a minor infringement, then holding up an apologetic hand, then doing nice, offender-victim chatting, ‘My fault, sorry’… ‘Oh no worries, dude, bro, mate, pal, bud, etc…’
Now every fucker has to bicker over every fucking thing, argue, confront, rage. It’s all brinkmanship, instant blow-ups.

Surfing is broken, chiefly because, sadly, everyone is an asshole. Everyone.
You are an asshole, and yes, I too, am a total asshole.