As we all know, surfers are roughly one  gillion times better in bed than the average human. It’s a phenomenon that’s baffled our brightest scientists for generations.

So today we’ll be delving deep, ahem, into this issue and coming to a reasonable conclusion why surfers are burdened with the libido of a drunk, horny T-Rex on steroids.

1. Modesty

We don’t like to brag. As you may have noticed. Which is a very attractive quality. Sexual prowess speaks for itself and if ours could talk it would sound like Barry White having phone sex with the voiceover woman from the M&S adverts.

2. We live in a world of innuendos

Lesser beings mistakenly confuse sexy talk with double entendres. But surfing lingo rivals Carry On films for snigger-ability. And when suggestive language is part and parcel of your daily routine, you feel no need to cheapen conversation with endless childish puns. Like these:

    Pull out
    Rubber up
    Wax job
    Strap on
    Tube riding
    Sweet spot

3. Patience

Let’s face it. There are times when bringing someone to climax is about as easy as playing pat-a-cake with a hyena. It takes patience, confidence and a pig-headed determination to see the job through.

Recently I wrote an article about things to do whilst waiting for a wave. Skills like these make surfers masters at Things to do whilst waiting for an orgasm. I can’t give away too many trade secrets but they include such activities as:

    Writing your name with your tongue.
    Moving in time to the song in your head.
    Mentally preparing the ultimate post-sex sandwich.

4. Surfers are used to the taste of salt


5. Honesty

I’m not talking about admitting your fantasy is to be stripped naked and handcuffed to spinning helicopter rotas while midgets throw custard at you. That’s a third date move.

I mean just generally being honest and open and feeling comfortable with your partner. And in all my years of apparently categorising people, I can think of a none more honest bunch than surfers.

Maybe it’s the natural zen from being at one with mother nature. Maybe it’s drugs. Probably drugs. Either way surfers tend to be pretty chilled, open and honest. And isn’t that what getting laid is all about?

Of course it isn’t. Half-finished movies, sexy underwear and light spanking is what getting laid is all about.

But that’s why being honest is so important. Because when we spank, we spank from the heart.