Kelly Slater hasn’t won a world tour event since the Pipe Masters in December 2013, which by his standards is roughly equivalent to a reasonably attractive, socially active, fit and healthy man or woman not getting laid for eighteen years. This season hasn’t started all that greatly for him either, after he stalled at second base with 13th and 9th place finishes at Snapper and Bells respectively. But things are looking good for him and Margaret, and if he keeps pulling out moves like these she will struggle to resist: Kelly might just be about to shag her senseless. Contrary to what some people would have you believe, his performance yesterday did not constitute a radical improvement in form — he was responsible for some of the best surfing at Bells — but it did constitute Kelly Slater at his most ominous. Anyone who even toys with the notion that he’s no longer one of the best few surfers on the planet is a fool and a cretin.