Like everyone else in southern California, I recently took a Wavestorm out and, to the chagrin of everyone else, had an absolutely delightful time. In the past, I have scoffed at those who take Wavestorms out on good days, mostly because they are slow pieces of shit. But as it turns out, I love Wavestorms from the bottom of my heart. Here are 10 reasons why.
1. Gliding on a glassy wave on a real surfboard is often compared to sex. It’s one of the greater feelings…. until it’s over. Then you’re often riddled with guilt and rashes. But surfing on a soft top is like hand sex through a pair of Old Navy cargo jeans. Awkward, safe, and at a certain point in life, fun again.
2. Nothing screams dominance like a healthy, self-imposed handicap. Ripping on an ugly, styrofoam piece of shit makes people on traditional surf crafts feel less than. When they feel less than, you feel greater than. Surfing is all about feeling greater than.
3. Why are we all in such a goddamn hurry all the time? Life is short when you’re always hurrying to get everywhere and finish everything. Wavestorms help remind us to take it slow and sluggish. Row your non-biodegradable log gently down the face. Life is long if you move slowly. Tortoises can live for two centuries. Hares, about a decade.
4. They are safe. The Wavestorm’s sluggish, soft, homely shape and soft plastic fins provide for conservative lines and safe decisions. It’s pretty difficult to get hurt on or by one. Which allows you free rein to take off on any wave and drop in on or snake whomever you wish. Send a normal log into the head of another human being or a glassed-in single fin over the falls into your own face, and it’s goodnight. Do that with a Wavestorm and it’s a little par-for-the-course-hey-how-ya doin’-how’s-your-ma?
5. Wavestorms are wonderful birth control. Carry a normal surfboard under your arm anywhere you go, and boom, babies. Carry a Wavestorm under your arm and it’s like wearing Crocs to anything at all, even on boats where they make the most sense.
6. Wavestorm is helping people get into the sport. Not enough people surf, not by a long shot. If there is one single thing that all surfers want, it’s more surfers to surf among. Wavestorm is single-handedly solving this problem. They are a gateway board. I admire them for carrying the torch of our dying past time. Lest there ever be a wave that breaks anywhere in the world that is not fought over.
7. Love people, use things. It’s easy to get attached to our surfboards and love them too much. They allow us to experience miracles, after all. Then we naturally get very upset when they get dinged or snap. But Wavestorms are cheap pieces of shit that are also very hard to ding. You don’t have to treat them with any respect, thus you never get emotional when you do fuck them up. And when you do, you get a free one! Wavestorms let you treat them any way you like, and Costco is just the mere pimp.
8. Mind games. Communicating to everyone in the lineup that you don’t take surfing seriously is especially confusing for them when you do take it seriously and grab every single wave since you can.
9. The company is creating robust and sustainable employment. For Taiwanese.
10. It turns like a dream. A dream where you can’t fly. Or run. Or move. More like a night terror where you’re stuck in quicksand and a succubus descends and tears out your heart and eats it over your screaming mouth, but no sound is coming out, just bats.
Happy summer! I look forward to seeing every single one of you out there!