Honestly, what else is left? What other accolades, surfing or otherwise, can King Kelly add to his résumé? He’s the most awarded surfer in history, he’s got a super hot nude bod (according to ESPN), he was a television star, he slept with Pamela Anderson, he has more money than God…and that’s just the start of it.
Dear reader, you must be wondering, what else is there to do?
Survive the imminent apocalypse. That’s what. And Slater might be well on his way to doing that, too.
While the rest of humanity stumbles towards whatever doom is most certainly headed our way – nuclear Armageddon, environmental catastrophe, Donald Trump – Slater will prevail. Right beneath our eyes, he’s been building an empire, née a survival toolkit, to ensure his existence through the end times. Just like Dr. Manhattan fromWatchmen, he has foreseen the coming doom, and he’s doing his best to outlive it. While the world reverts to chaos, Kelly will be fine with all his self-sustaining creations.
Once nuclear winter kicks in, he’ll have Outerknown, his clothing line, to keep him warm. When the crops go bad and famine strikes the earth, he’ll have his chia seeds and Purps beverages to maintain his health. After the nukes destroy all houses and forms of shelter, he’ll rely on his furniture company for protection. Following the downfall of the surf industry and the scarcity of resources to make boards, he’ll be able to surf on his ownSlater Designs. And finally, when the oceans cease to exist from global warming or an incoming meteor, he’ll have his own personal wave poolsto entertain himself while the rest of humanity ceases to exist.
After the Four Horsemen unleash their apocalypse onto the world in a fiery wrath and Satan emerges from the depths of hell, after the last of sorry souls is eliminated from existence, and after life as we know drifts into the abyss, the final survivor will be Kelly, left alone to surf perfect waves into eternal glory.